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Welcome! Have a look around. I blog about my life, personal development, losing weight, and anything else I find interesting. Comment or send me an email at tazmaniantigress at gmail dot com.

February 8th, 2010

Nobody’s Perfect.

No One Is Perfect.

This is something we’ve all heard our entire lives, yet for many people, it doesn’t stop them from striving to attain perfection, then becoming sorely disappointed when it doesn’t happen.  I’m certainly guilty of this.  I want so much to do things the right way, the first time.  If I get something wrong in school, or a work task, I beat myself up inside because of the mistake.  This is ultimately self-destructive.  Because if nobody is perfect, then you’ll always be chasing something impossible.  It’s exhausting.  Not only are you striving for something that will never be, but you have to be on the alert to make sure that nothing you do can be criticized. By anyone.  This is absurd, because there’s always going to be someone that doesn’t like you or something you do.  Wanting to be perfect is in essence giving validation power away to some external entity. 

Being perfect is, to me, being one dimensional.  If you do everything right and make no mistakes, you can’t grow as a person.  You’ll do the same things the same way all the time because that’s the Right Way to Do Things.

Now, I do not advocate settling or for mediocrity.  I’ve had to find a way to merge this philosophy and my perfectionist tendencies and this is what I’ve come up with:  Instead of striving to be perfect, I now strive to be the best version of me that I can attain.  In doing so, I take back those validation powers.  Now my self worth comes from within.  Being my best self means that not everyone is going to like me or be my friend, but that doesn’t matter. 

It’s important to actually think about what being your best self actually looks like.  For me, a HUGE part of who I am and how I value myself is setting goals and accomplishing them.  When I do that, I feel good; I feel like I’m sprinting toward my optimum self.  Finally, it’s equally as important to realize that you may never reach the BEST EVER POSSIBLE VERSION of yourself. This is okay.  It’s the journey that is important.

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February 6th, 2010
  • Weigh in: 197.  Sodium really has an effect on water retention, who knew?  I ate some of those ramen instant lunches and next thing I knew, I had gained like three pounds!  I was disturbed, but after drinking copious amounts of water and avoiding the ramen, I went back down again.
  • Even though I didn’t gain as much, I still gained some, which is because I didn’t pay attention to my eating this week.  It started when I had a bad stomachache from, I assume, some bad salad dressing.  I then went and cleaned out my kitchen and was left with little, so I ate out a bit more, including pizza yesterday.  I really should go grocery shopping more often.
  • This week was kind of blah.  Not horrible, but not inspiring either.  I was working quite hard last week to get some things done before a deadline, and I guess my brain just checked out.  One day I just spent it daydreaming at work.  It’s kind of like in college, when I would just disconnect after a big exam, even if I had other class assignments to worry about.
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February 3rd, 2010

Me. Freshman year. 

Here I am near my lowest weight.  No higher than 165.  I truly believed I was significantly overweight. 

freshmanyearbea

If I could go back and smack myself, I would. 

On second thought, I’d leave myself a anonymous note saying just how beautiful I really was, and to not let anything or anyone ever make me question it.

Is there anything you’d like to go back to tell your younger self?

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January 30th, 2010
  • I so do not want to work in a traditional corporate environment!  Right now, it doesn’t matter much because of my age, but in the long run, I am sure I’d be quite miserable.  Even better, I think I’d like to work from home-ish, in the sense that I set my own hours or work in a place that is very flexible.  Academia, you say?  Maybe, but academia has its own set of problems and politics that I’m not sure I want to navigate.  Actually, this realization more or less lines right up with what I ultimately want to do with my life and be known for (I won’t say it here just yet, because that goal is years and years off — 10, maybe 15 years in the future).
  • If I am going to start writing, I have to do it now!  I want to call myself a ‘writer’ so much, not for fame or anything like that, but because if I don’t write, my head is going to explode.  I’d make music if I could, or paint, or sculpt, or dance, but those are not my mediums.  Words and stories pound against the inside of my skull and they must get out! I’ve mentioned before that there is a block as solid as a brick wall preventing me from writing . . It’s gotten less solid over the past few weeks, but that’s taking too long.  I’ve been telling myself that I just don’t know quite enough about the craft, but that’s BS.  I can learn the technical stuff as I go along and hone my voice.  In fact, that’s how I learn just about everything else, why should this be any different?  No more waiting!  To that end, tomorrow I am going to write a 1 page work of  . . . something.  I don’t know what, but it’s going to come out.  :)  
  • Weigh in: 196.2  Woot!
  • I love this song:
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January 27th, 2010

I’ve been so off track this week.  I’ve already had fast food TWICE.  Last week I ate mac and cheese and felt squicky.  Every time I feel like some parts of my life are a little out of control, my eating tends to be the first thing I cease paying attention to.  I really have to work on that. 

It’s not all bad, though.  I’ve been drinking mainly water for nearly the past week.  Seriously, jugs and jugs of it.  :)   Also, I went running twice in the past week.  It felt awesome, though I’ve been in pain since.  I was going to go tomorrow morning, but probably won’t since it’s going to snow. 

~

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January 23rd, 2010

. . . because you should try to learn something new every day.

  • I realized this week that it just may be possible for me to get a Master’s degree for free!  The university I work at has a program where employees can take a certain number of classes each semester without paying, as long as there are seats in the class.  I need to investigate this further, but it is entirely possible that this time next year I will be a student once again.
  • I am moving!  Well, at least when my lease is up . . in OCTOBER!  I’ve realized that my apartment is a little too big for me right now.  And there are some things that just bother me about it.  I lived in a tiny studio apartment my last year of college, and while that one was too small, I think another (bigger) studio would be perfect.  There are some pretty large ones around here.  I’m hoping to move closer to work.  Maybe I can find someone to take over the lease in a couple months. 
  • Weigh in:  I don’t weigh in at my TOM.  I gain too much water bloat weight, and looking at the scale is a bit depressing.  What I have learned, however, is that I don’t get generic cravings at this time.  My body tells me “I want chocolate and peanut butter, preferably Reese’s peanut butter cups, but we’ll take whatever you’ve got.”  I gave in this time, but next time, I will be prepared.
  • While this week wasn’t as craptacular as last week, it certainly wasn’t perfect.  I’m not down about it, though.  I realize that I have to stay strong.  I wasn’t as strong this week as I’d hoped.  The stress about last week and the eh-ness of this week made me weak (ha ha).  I didn’t eat as healthily as I liked, because I didn’t make it to the store.  I totally bailed on cleaning, because all I could do when I got home was zone out or take a nap.  Now that I’m aware of this, whenever I catch myself feeling so blah, I must take a few minutes to really examine why I feel that way and come up with solutions. 
  • On a happier note, I am now obsessed with stickers!  I got some scrapbooking stickers and have peppered my planner with sticker upon sticker.  I think they have the potential of being a useful productivity tool for me, but for now I’m just having fun sticking stickers to things.  :)
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January 21st, 2010

Not too long ago, I had a car.  A little red car.  It wasn’t a very pretty car, but it got me from place to place, and for that I was grateful.  One day, during a snow, I left for work as usual.  Since there was snow on the ground, I drove quite a bit slower than usual.  That probably saved my life. 

As is normal, stoplights sometimes change, and drivers must be prepared to stop when they do.  On this day, when I applied the brakes, the car didn’t stop.  Not only didn’t the car stop, it was not even facing forward anymore.  We had spun about 45 degrees to the left.  Eventually the car stopped and once my heart went back to normal, I was able to move on.   Everything in me was screaming to go back home, but I was more than halfway to work already and there were important samples arriving so I soldiered on. 

I didn’t get rid of the car just then.  I decided to stick to paved roads when it snowed and the problem seemed to be managed.  Unfortunately, when next it snowed, the problem was worse.  After that, I also noticed that the car pulled to the left even on dry paved roads.  I no longer felt safe driving that car.  I was holding on to it because it was paid for (which is nothing to sneeze at). 

It was time for me to begin my car search.  I had been burned extremely badly on my last car search in 2007, so I was not going to go through a private party to find a vehicle.  I was wary of dealerships also, and didn’t want a high pressure kind of sale, so I decided to use Carmax. 

Now, I am very ambivalent about car debt.  Cars are a depreciating asset, so they are worth less than you pay for them as soon as you drive off the lot.  On the other hand, there is a lot of sense in getting a new or newer car and driving it until it dies.  I chose the second option.  The best case scenario is to have enough cash to buy a newer car outright and keep it until it is undriveable.  That’s what I’ll do with my next car or when I win the lottery.  I think that since I’m young and have no other debt (besides a tiny student loan), I will be fine. I really hate debt, so the plan is to put extra money toward the car and pay it off early. 

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1.  Save as much money as you can to buy a car.  I had just depleted my savings to move to this city and to try to repair the old car, so I had to finance, but this is the least desirable situation to be in. 

2.  If you must finance, pay the car off as soon as you can.  I’m putting extra money toward the car, and I might also do some tutoring or petsitting for some more cash to throw at it. 

3. DO YOUR RESEARCH!  Know what car you want, the features, your needs, BEFORE setting foot in a dealership.  Also, research dealerships.  Know which ones have good reputations for customer service, reliable cars, and so on.  This can save you thousands of dollars, and keep you from ending up with a car you don’t want.

Here is my new darling:  It’s a 2008 Suzuki sx4 sedan, with 11,500 miles on it.  I know I’m going to have this car for quite some time.

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And here’s a pic of Sokka.  I took this photo over the summer, but he looks like this now, since he spent today in doggy day care.  They told me he had so much fun; I think he really needs to spend time with other dogs.  One of the attendants recognized where his name comes from, so I like the place even more. :)   I’m taking him back tomorrow, and will look into their packages.

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January 17th, 2010

Sunday Scales are now to be called conclusions of the week, because it’s not all about the scale.  Calling it Sunday Scale implies an importance to the numbers that I don’t really believe in.  Lots of things happen besides losing weight!

Weigh in: 198! Woot!  I actually didn’t expect a change, as I ate maintain weight calories for a few days, but I am glad to see this, because it meant something went right this week.

To be honest, I have had just a horrid week.  It started Monday when some of the equipment at work decided to malfunction and ruin my assay.  I tried to fix it but to no avail.  Then the repair that I had done to my car last week didn’t fix the problem and I was, yet again, afraid to drive the darn thing.  After that, strange noises woke me up two nights in a row between 4:30 and 5:00 AM.  It’s just been a week where nothing seems to go right.  Big things, Little things, nothing. 

Life’s looking up, though.  I got myself a car that I’m not afraid to drive (post coming later).  I did lose that pound.  I’ve figured out the problem at work and can catch up on my assays. 

Here’s to better days.

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January 12th, 2010

I’m switching to a cash based system of money management.  I have to.  When spending money is as easy as swiping a debit or credit card, it seems that I can’t tell myself when to stop. 

image Usually I am good at knowing my limits and when I’ve shopped enough, but the past two weeks have just thrown me for a loop. 

It started innocently enough: I wanted to buy some furniture for my apartment.  I’m not talking fancy living room/bedroom sets, but stuff you put together yourself.  Bookshelves, a chair, small t.v. stand from Target.  Somehow it snowballed insanely.  One more thing led to another to another.  It’s not like I was buying large items.  Therein lies the problem.  Little things add up quickly.   Much more quickly than you realize.  I almost had a heart attack when I looked at Mint to see the damage.  The month isn’t even half over yet!

Here’s the plan: 

Take out a specified amount of cash every week ($40-$50).  Use the credit card ONLY for groceries and gas (I get points for those).  Once the cash is gone for the week, it’s gone.  I can’t spend any more.  I should have done this earlier.  I know that I don’t spend cash as freely as credit/debit.  Even though I do prefer using a card so that I can look at spending patterns at my leisure, it has to be this way for now.  Something about physically having the bills in your hand and handing it over to the cashier makes me want to conserve it.  When I gain some perspective in a while, then I’ll slowly transition to using a card for most transactions. 

Good thing I realized this now, instead of down the road to debt.  I always pay the credit card balance each month, but I’m scarily close to not being able to do that this time. 

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January 10th, 2010

199.2!

Woo Hoo!  I finally broke through the onederland barrier!

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I’m so proud of myself this week.  I exercised most days as well as stayed within my calories everyday.  Something finally just clicked this week.  It’s like things are coming together. 

I’d been stuck between 202 and 204 for just about three months.  I won’t call it a plateau, but it was frustrating.

So happy.

I also made another change this week:  I bought the majority of my food at the natural food store.  Even though it is a bit more expensive (though not much), I am satisfied that most of what I eat now doesn’t have horrible chemical additives.  The only thing I don’t like is that the produce section of the store is tiiiiny.  However, when I was driving there today, I passed an independent meat and fruit store.  I am going to check that place out this week, because I really want to support local, independent businesses.

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