Another Interesting Week and its Conclusions
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010So life has been hectic-crazy for yet another week. I’m slowly coming to an equilibrium with my new schedule.
I’ve finally made some decisions about what direction I’m going to take my life. Instead of taking on a Master’s level or Post-bac program, I’m going to start taking classes one and two at a time to fulfill my prerequisites before moving on to graduate school. This is definitely the best thing for me since I do technically have two full time jobs at the moment. I shall be ready to apply in the fall of 2012, but I may want to wait until 2013 to apply because I am learning so much from the lab I’m in now. To be honest, this has been the plan all along, I don’t really know why I let myself get into some identity-life crisis.
In other news, check this out:
!!
!!!!!
Ignoring the dust on the scale, notice it says 193.0! Woooot. I’ve definitely been making progress. Much of this is from just being up and around in my new job. It’s definitely not a sit down at a computer or lab bench type of job. Even though I’ve had some slipups with the eating, I’ve been more or less on track with that.
When I saw that number on the scale, I had an interesting thought. It was: “I am just 3 pounds away from being in the 180s, and when I reach low 180s and 170s, I’ll feel attractive again.”
I had to think about that for some time, but it makes so much sense. I haven’t felt pretty, or attractive, or anything of the sort since July 2008 when my scale read 200 pounds for the first time. Many things I did and did not do senior year are so clear to me now. I took extra hours at work, did homework, threw myself into my projects because I didn’t want to be ‘out’ where people could see me. Granted, I did have a couple other problems, but this was a huge part of my disappearing act.
The thing is, this isn’t something I thought I believed. I know that beautiful women come in every size. Some of the most radiant, stunning people I’ve seen have been larger than I was. Also, I’m pretty sure objectively, I was quite lovely as well. Or at least, I could have been. Instead I went back to baggy clothes and non contact.
There is so much to grapple with here, I’m still wrestling with some of this. However, I’ve decided to stop waiting. I can be and feel attractive and self confident NOW. I make an effort. I wear makeup more often (than never 
) I’m trying to do cool things with my hair, but that’s kind of limited right now because of the length. Baggy sweatshirts are only for when I’m cold.
Life is good and getting better.
Conclusions of the Week – Belated
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010Last week can be summed up thusly: Oh My!
I made quite a few changes last week. First, I started going in to work at a different time. It’s important to follow your own natural rhythms, so now I go to work early and leave early.
Also, I took a second job. I did that for two reasons: One, I wanted the extra money to pay off my car early. I really hate debt, and being locked into a car note for 5 years was making me anxious. Two, the second job is directly related to my future career. I’m doing things I was likely going to volunteer to do anyway. Now I can get paid and get the hours I need to apply to school.
So with all that happening, there were times I forgot to eat. Not eating enough is as bad for weight loss as eating too much, in the long run, so with my packed schedule, I have to be more proactive and diligent with my meals. I need to take some time and research good, healthy, meals on the go.
Finally, yesterday I bought some pants and today I put on some other pants that were hanging in my closet. They fit! Yes, I am now in the size 14s. Woohooo!
I am not ever going back.
Chasing Perfection
Monday, February 8th, 2010Nobody’s Perfect.
No One Is Perfect.
This is something we’ve all heard our entire lives, yet for many people, it doesn’t stop them from striving to attain perfection, then becoming sorely disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I’m certainly guilty of this. I want so much to do things the right way, the first time. If I get something wrong in school, or a work task, I beat myself up inside because of the mistake. This is ultimately self-destructive. Because if nobody is perfect, then you’ll always be chasing something impossible. It’s exhausting. Not only are you striving for something that will never be, but you have to be on the alert to make sure that nothing you do can be criticized. By anyone. This is absurd, because there’s always going to be someone that doesn’t like you or something you do. Wanting to be perfect is in essence giving validation power away to some external entity.
Being perfect is, to me, being one dimensional. If you do everything right and make no mistakes, you can’t grow as a person. You’ll do the same things the same way all the time because that’s the Right Way to Do Things.
Now, I do not advocate settling or for mediocrity. I’ve had to find a way to merge this philosophy and my perfectionist tendencies and this is what I’ve come up with: Instead of striving to be perfect, I now strive to be the best version of me that I can attain. In doing so, I take back those validation powers. Now my self worth comes from within. Being my best self means that not everyone is going to like me or be my friend, but that doesn’t matter.
It’s important to actually think about what being your best self actually looks like. For me, a HUGE part of who I am and how I value myself is setting goals and accomplishing them. When I do that, I feel good; I feel like I’m sprinting toward my optimum self. Finally, it’s equally as important to realize that you may never reach the BEST EVER POSSIBLE VERSION of yourself. This is okay. It’s the journey that is important.
Conclusions of the Week (2/7/10)
Saturday, February 6th, 2010- Weigh in: 197. Sodium really has an effect on water retention, who knew? I ate some of those ramen instant lunches and next thing I knew, I had gained like three pounds! I was disturbed, but after drinking copious amounts of water and avoiding the ramen, I went back down again.
- Even though I didn’t gain as much, I still gained some, which is because I didn’t pay attention to my eating this week. It started when I had a bad stomachache from, I assume, some bad salad dressing. I then went and cleaned out my kitchen and was left with little, so I ate out a bit more, including pizza yesterday. I really should go grocery shopping more often.
- This week was kind of blah. Not horrible, but not inspiring either. I was working quite hard last week to get some things done before a deadline, and I guess my brain just checked out. One day I just spent it daydreaming at work. It’s kind of like in college, when I would just disconnect after a big exam, even if I had other class assignments to worry about.
Dysmorphia
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010Me. Freshman year.
Here I am near my lowest weight. No higher than 165. I truly believed I was significantly overweight.
If I could go back and smack myself, I would.
On second thought, I’d leave myself a anonymous note saying just how beautiful I really was, and to not let anything or anyone ever make me question it.
Is there anything you’d like to go back to tell your younger self?
Conclusions of the Week (1/30/10)
Saturday, January 30th, 2010- I so do not want to work in a traditional corporate environment! Right now, it doesn’t matter much because of my age, but in the long run, I am sure I’d be quite miserable. Even better, I think I’d like to work from home-ish, in the sense that I set my own hours or work in a place that is very flexible. Academia, you say? Maybe, but academia has its own set of problems and politics that I’m not sure I want to navigate. Actually, this realization more or less lines right up with what I ultimately want to do with my life and be known for (I won’t say it here just yet, because that goal is years and years off — 10, maybe 15 years in the future).
- If I am going to start writing, I have to do it now! I want to call myself a ‘writer’ so much, not for fame or anything like that, but because if I don’t write, my head is going to explode. I’d make music if I could, or paint, or sculpt, or dance, but those are not my mediums. Words and stories pound against the inside of my skull and they must get out! I’ve mentioned before that there is a block as solid as a brick wall preventing me from writing . . It’s gotten less solid over the past few weeks, but that’s taking too long. I’ve been telling myself that I just don’t know quite enough about the craft, but that’s BS. I can learn the technical stuff as I go along and hone my voice. In fact, that’s how I learn just about everything else, why should this be any different? No more waiting! To that end, tomorrow I am going to write a 1 page work of . . . something. I don’t know what, but it’s going to come out.
- Weigh in: 196.2 Woot!
- I love this song:
Conclusions of the Week
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010. . . because you should try to learn something new every day.
- I realized this week that it just may be possible for me to get a Master’s degree for free! The university I work at has a program where employees can take a certain number of classes each semester without paying, as long as there are seats in the class. I need to investigate this further, but it is entirely possible that this time next year I will be a student once again.
- I am moving! Well, at least when my lease is up . . in OCTOBER! I’ve realized that my apartment is a little too big for me right now. And there are some things that just bother me about it. I lived in a tiny studio apartment my last year of college, and while that one was too small, I think another (bigger) studio would be perfect. There are some pretty large ones around here. I’m hoping to move closer to work. Maybe I can find someone to take over the lease in a couple months.
- Weigh in: I don’t weigh in at my TOM. I gain too much water bloat weight, and looking at the scale is a bit depressing. What I have learned, however, is that I don’t get generic cravings at this time. My body tells me “I want chocolate and peanut butter, preferably Reese’s peanut butter cups, but we’ll take whatever you’ve got.” I gave in this time, but next time, I will be prepared.
- While this week wasn’t as craptacular as last week, it certainly wasn’t perfect. I’m not down about it, though. I realize that I have to stay strong. I wasn’t as strong this week as I’d hoped. The stress about last week and the eh-ness of this week made me weak (ha ha). I didn’t eat as healthily as I liked, because I didn’t make it to the store. I totally bailed on cleaning, because all I could do when I got home was zone out or take a nap. Now that I’m aware of this, whenever I catch myself feeling so blah, I must take a few minutes to really examine why I feel that way and come up with solutions.
- On a happier note, I am now obsessed with stickers! I got some scrapbooking stickers and have peppered my planner with sticker upon sticker. I think they have the potential of being a useful productivity tool for me, but for now I’m just having fun sticking stickers to things.
A Little Fashion
Friday, January 8th, 2010
I am totally loving this dress!
A Motto of Sorts
Wednesday, January 6th, 2010I’m more or less done fiddling around with the template here. I’ve added a short phrase to the header image: Living Deliberately.
Living deliberately means making every thing I do count. It means not allowing complacency or inertia to take over. To live deliberately is to take the time to identify what you value and then arranging your life to reflect that.
For example, watching television and aimlessly flipping through the channels is not living deliberately. Though the point is moot now that I don’t have cable, I would be transitioning to only watching television for a set amount of time each day instead of always having it on in the background. The point is to not watch television just because it’s there, but to seek out the shows that I really enjoy or that I’m truly interested in seeing.
There isn’t much more to it. From now on I’m going to do my best to really think about the things I do and evaluate whether or not they are things that add value to my life in some way before engaging.
Instead of feeling restricted or boxed in, I find so much freedom in this kind of philosophy. Think about it: When you are just doing something, say watching television, for no other reason than it’s there, for a lot of people what ends up happening is that they get stuck on the couch, watching show after show for hours when they could be doing something that really makes them happy. Simply taking 30 seconds to a minute to think about why you are watching tv instead of doing something else could save those hours and redirect them to something valuable.
I first thought about this concept a few years ago (not that I’m saying I invented it or anything, it’s just something that occurred to me one day), I’ve tried to implement it from time to time without success. I always allowed myself to get sidetracked. Now for some reason I feel the need to really do it this time. I don’t want to look back at 2010 with the realization that I did not stay true to myself, as I’m doing now looking back at the past many years.
New Beginnings
Thursday, December 31st, 2009
It’s that time of year when everyone decides to stop smoking, or to lose weight, etc. As a rule, I don’t make resolutions. They just don’t work for me. I am, however, constantly making goals for myself. I am a planner by nature, so I derive lots of joy from thinking about the future. I have some very specific goals for the upcoming year. They are in four categories:
Work and Career
· Go to at least 2 lectures per month. I work at a university, and there is a different lecture just about every day on something interesting. Going to these will broaden my knowledge and allow me to think about things outside my field, which brings me to the next goal:
· Read enough relevant background and research literature to be able to propose an independent project. I have the technical skills to be able to do a project, but I am new to the field. Through the university, I have access to a great many journals, books, and as stated above, lectures. Even if my project is not selected or funded, getting to the point of being able to propose one is the real goal here.
· Make career contacts. I’m going to have to do some informational interviews. I’ve known what I wanted my career to be since I was 14, but I honestly haven’t sought out real people who are doing this work. I’ve mostly read about them. It’s time for that to change. I need to get as complete a picture as I can before committing myself to over $100k of debt.
· Classes. I changed my major a couple of times in college, and as a result some (er . . many) of my prerequisites fell through the cracks. I have to take these before I apply to grad school.
Health
· Transition into clean, organic eating. The documentary Food, Inc really jolted me into wanting to be much more conscious of the things I consume. I also know that I can’t do it overnight, so by the end of the year I want to be mostly if not completely organic and sustainable in my food (as well as other areas of life).
· Complete the Couch to 5K program. I started it sometime last spring, but never got past week 3. I never liked running or jogging, but I now realize that it was because I was always one of the slowest people in gym class and the teachers always blatantly favored the more naturally gifted students. I realized about two years ago that when I can go at my own pace, I really enjoy the act of running. There’s a connection I make with my body that is just sublime. This has to wait until it gets a bit warmer, though. I may like jogging now, but I hate cold much more, and the roads/sidewalks around here are basically iced over.
· Spend time outdoors hiking/trail walking. There are so many options here it’s crazy. I’ve already found some beginner trails and I’m totally excited for it.
· Lose 35 out of the total 50 pounds I want to lose. Notice how this is the last bullet point. I don’t want to do the top three things so I can lose weight. I want to lose weight so that I can do those things and more. I’ll have to do a separate post detailing my weight loss plan.
Money
· Streamline my banking accounts. I’ve already done most of this. I’m transitioning to using the credit union affiliated with my employer. I also am using Mint to sort of track everything in one place.
· Commit to saving at least $350 every month. That’s the bare minimum, but since my expenses are low and I’m not all that spendy, I’ll probably save more. I need to rebuild my emergency fund and then start saving for a fabulous trip somewhere warm in 2011.
Extracurricular
· This blog, of course! So far it’s been more of a personal diary, but I think I now want to reach out to the online community. To do so, I’ll have to have a bit more focus and spend a little more time crafting each post. I do look forward to doing it, though. Also, I’m toying with the idea of doing a vlog once in a while later in the year. I really think it’ll be fun.
· Volunteer. I have to find a clinic to volunteer in. I totally miss it.
· Write a short story or two. The only reason I haven’t done this yet is fear. Not skills or lack thereof. Just confidence. I can write a research paper (or blog post!) like no one’s business, but when it comes to fiction, there is a mental block so solid that it might as well be a physical one. I’m dismantling it once and for all this year. I am fully aware that my first story is most likely going to be just dreadful, but the great thing is that no one else has to see it! J
So that’s my to-do list for 2010. Looking at it all together like this, it seems like I’m heaping way too much onto my plate. However, a year is longer than it seems. Each of the items is more like a baby step in becoming a better Tazmaniantigress. I know from past experience that trying to do everything at once will only end in disaster, so I’m coming at this at a more measured pace. I’ll update periodically on my progress.
What are your goals for the upcoming year?