I feel like I’ve been going about this with a ‘well OF COURSE I want to lose weight, who doesn’t?’ kind of attitude.  That’s not at all the opinion I have, nor is it something I endorse.  It is entirely possible to be completely, dizzyingly happy and overweight.  The two are not mutually exclusive.  I also never actually said exactly why I want to lose weight or my goals for the journey.  Trust me when I say I have thought about this a lot.  I’ve had to think about the reasons I’ve gained weight, and the consequences of losing it again.  

Let me tell you my story: 

I haven’t always been overweight.  In fact, when I was really young, I think I was quite skinny.  I had so much fun running around, riding bikes, and even just spinning around in circles in the front yard (oh the joy of being young, right?).  As soon as I became conscious of my body and weight, I came to the conclusion that I was the big girl.  This happened pretty early, but not as early as some, and for that I am lucky, I guess.  Anyway, starting around 8 or so, I just thought of myself as a big girl, and kind of got on with life.  Then puberty happened, all of a sudden, at 10 years old, things started changing.  I felt fat for the very first time.  I know that at this time I was not fat, and I am actually unsure where these thoughts came from. Though I was indeed bigger (taller) than the other kids, I was never taunted or made fun of for being big (the kids made fun of me for other things, but that is another story entirely).  I didn’t really start to gain weight until middle school.  School had always been tough for me socially, but middle school was just pure hell.  I was in a different school for 6th, 7th, and 8th grades* and each one of them was the same.  Same cliques, same types of people, and I didn’t fit in anywhere.  So I spent most of that time in my room reading books.  The food in my house was never very healthy, and so without running and playing off the calories, my weight totally ballooned. I don’t know how much I weighed then.  I didn’t step on a scale until high school, when I weighed in at 185 lbs.  That was sophomore year, and after that, I started going to the YMCA more or less regularly, when I had access to it.  That summer, I ran on my school’s track every morning at 5:30 am sharp.  I slowly lost weight, and by the end of high school, I was at 160ish.  I continued to lose weight freshman year of college, almost by accident, and by summer 2006, I weighed 150 lbs, my lowest.  That’s when trouble started. 

OMG the attention!  I don’t think of myself as a great beauty, but I like the way I look.  I think I’m very pretty, but I had never experienced the volume of attention that I received.  That fall, I got myself involved with two boys, not necessarily at the same time, but it might as well have been because both situations were very similar, e.g, they came over when they wanted to ‘hang out’ and then left, only texting me (not calling) when they wanted to ‘hang out’ again.  I wish I can convey exactly what that did to my head, but I’m not even sure I’ve gotten to the bottom of it yet.  I know that I no longer wanted anyone to even look at me sexually again.  I started by just wearing my old sweatshirt and unflattering clothes again, and eventually the weight came back on. This time, I had the stress of school not being super easy anymore, and the weight came on faster.  It peaked at 210 in July 2008. 

So that’s my story.  It’s not earth-shattering or even particularly unique, but it is mine.  Now that I am over 200 pounds, and now that I am out of school, I feel like it is time to get the weight off, and get it off for good. 

The reason I want to lose, however, is not so that men will give me attention again.  If I wanted to wear pretty clothes and date men, I don’t have to lose weigh to do that. I was still being hit on at 210.  Being this much overweight inhibits me in the areas that matter to me.  I want to hike mountains, explore the world, and dance the night away.  As it is now, I am tired most of the time, my knees hurt, and the thought of travelling anywhere makes me want a nap. 

That’s why I want to lose weight.  I think these reasons are sustainable and I think I’m in the right place to do it.  To do it right this time. 

My goal weight is 152, that’s right in the middle of the normal range.  Maybe lower if I become an athlete or want to compete on ANTM .  I’m not going to rush this, I fully expect this to take me upwards of a year to lose it all.  I’m giving myself 18 months.