This is an extremely rambling, disjointed, unedited outpouring of my brain, presented here for the viewing pleasure of the interwebs.

I’ve neglected my people.

Treated them unfairly. And now I’m reaping the benefits. I mean, “benefits”

I thought I had made it through, but obviously not. I am out of the picture. Not in the circle

Second choice, an afterthought. I’m not told things. Goodness, this hurts more than I thought it would.

I know it’s my fault. I just haven’t been around. Felt as if they would be there no matter what. And that’s not happening.

I know it’s not totally my fault. They’ve done some pretty crappy things to me. I guess I never really totally forgave.

But now, where am I? What do I have?

I don’t laugh and hang out and do gym classes with people.

I don’t go on day or weekend trips with people. I don’t go to concerts with people.

It’s the same as in high school. But worse; I can’t say that I’m so much better than the others, because I’m not valedictorian this time.

I am still so different than everyone else.

I think I cultivate some degree of differentness, but that’s not totally it. I have so little common ground with the people around me; it’s hard to stay engaged.

What to do?

Try to get back in the circle? But what will that get me? Do I even want to get back in?

I mean, we all have such different priorities right now.

Such different outlooks on life. Can I afford to let this die and feel good about myself?

No I can’t, but things are never going to be what they were. I stupidly thought they could.

The answer is to somehow connect with people again. On a different level, sure, but I don’t know if it’s possible.

What we’re focusing on is so different. This is not even about k. I was never going to be able to forgive her. That was a lost cause form the start.

I think that I need a new beginning. That’s exactly what I’ll be getting, for sure.

I need to decide what I want to become.