Domestic Bliss?
Sunday, July 26th, 2009The other day I went to a going away party for a co-worker of mine. It was a small party, held at another co-worker’s house. Well, the first thing I noticed was that I was the second youngest person there (I turned 22 in June). The rest of were mid/late 20s and early 30s. The other thing I noticed was that the majority of the people were married or in very serious relationships (8 out of 10). As the evening went on, it became apparent that in the majority of couples (3 out of 4) the women basically were following their significant others as they pursued their careers/educations. I don’t know them well enough to know their whole stories, but what I do know is that while the men are doing pretty heavy hitting stuff, the women were . . . not. Basically, 3 out of the 4 coupled women are very smart, yet they are not pursuing careers of their own, in fact, the going away party was for a lady that is moving away because her significant other has a position elsewhere. Another attendee is waiting impatiently for her husband to get a call back so she can move with him out West. Something about their situations rubbed me the wrong way.
Not that committing to a partner and supporting them while they pursue their dreams is a bad thing. I think it’s fantastic. I think it’s great that these people have found their match relatively early in life and are making their lives together. It took some serious thought to figure out what was bothering me, and what I came up with is simply that this version of domestic bliss is absolutely not for me. I will never be content to follow a man while he pursues his goals, disregarding or putting mine off for the ‘future’. If anything, my significant other will have to follow me, but I wouldn’t be happy with that either. I have to have someone just as ambitious as myself; ideally we will have the same passions and can work together or compliment each other’s efforts. I will never have an ill-behaved dog that is simply a placeholder until children arrive, onto which I project displaced ‘maternal instincts’ One, dogs are not children. They are fantastic companions worthy of affection on their own. Two, children are not in my future. Ever. Enough said.
I’m grateful for that party. It led to a moment of clarity in which I was able to articulate to myself what was before a general amorphous feeling.
peace
The Truth About College
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
My truth, anyway.
After four years, I realize that I have very few things in common with my closest friends here. By very few, I mean very little.
I’ve recently realized that I could never feel comfortable or truly myself when around the people with whom I spent the majority of my social time.
Even when I felt that some people were sort of toxic or at the very least not really in line with my goals and values, I found it very hard to let go. I thought that the the things I felt were me being rigid or something. I thought It was okay to not be able to express my true opinions or show off things that I was interested in. I always thought the onus was on me to be agreeable and do/show interest in what they liked. I never would have thought that the people I spent time with were just not a good fit for me.
I was so fake.
What happened was that my closest friends were the first friends I made way at the beginning of freshman year. I became attached, and then complacent. I really did not make an effort to branch out. It’s partially complacency, and partially my personality. I am not a person that needs tons of friends and a booming social calendar, but I admit that I didn’t make the effort at the beginning of school to find others with my same interests. It’s unfortunate, because I know that there were people here that could have been great friends. *sigh* I feel that I am really starting fresh upon graduation, because I don’t have anything to hold on to, social wise.
I suppose the moral of the story is to always be my authentic self and never settle for good enough. The only way I am going to find true friends is if I am me. On the other hand, if any relationship is not working, it is absolutely okay to re-evaluate it and take a step back, or even step away if necessary.
Stream of Consciousness Angst
Saturday, March 28th, 2009This is an extremely rambling, disjointed, unedited outpouring of my brain, presented here for the viewing pleasure of the interwebs.
I’ve neglected my people.
Treated them unfairly. And now I’m reaping the benefits. I mean, “benefits”
I thought I had made it through, but obviously not. I am out of the picture. Not in the circle
Second choice, an afterthought. I’m not told things. Goodness, this hurts more than I thought it would.
I know it’s my fault. I just haven’t been around. Felt as if they would be there no matter what. And that’s not happening.
I know it’s not totally my fault. They’ve done some pretty crappy things to me. I guess I never really totally forgave.
But now, where am I? What do I have?
I don’t laugh and hang out and do gym classes with people.
I don’t go on day or weekend trips with people. I don’t go to concerts with people.
It’s the same as in high school. But worse; I can’t say that I’m so much better than the others, because I’m not valedictorian this time.
I am still so different than everyone else.
I think I cultivate some degree of differentness, but that’s not totally it. I have so little common ground with the people around me; it’s hard to stay engaged.
What to do?
Try to get back in the circle? But what will that get me? Do I even want to get back in?
I mean, we all have such different priorities right now.
Such different outlooks on life. Can I afford to let this die and feel good about myself?
No I can’t, but things are never going to be what they were. I stupidly thought they could.
The answer is to somehow connect with people again. On a different level, sure, but I don’t know if it’s possible.
What we’re focusing on is so different. This is not even about k. I was never going to be able to forgive her. That was a lost cause form the start.
I think that I need a new beginning. That’s exactly what I’ll be getting, for sure.
I need to decide what I want to become.