New Beginnings
Thursday, December 31st, 2009
It’s that time of year when everyone decides to stop smoking, or to lose weight, etc. As a rule, I don’t make resolutions. They just don’t work for me. I am, however, constantly making goals for myself. I am a planner by nature, so I derive lots of joy from thinking about the future. I have some very specific goals for the upcoming year. They are in four categories:
Work and Career
· Go to at least 2 lectures per month. I work at a university, and there is a different lecture just about every day on something interesting. Going to these will broaden my knowledge and allow me to think about things outside my field, which brings me to the next goal:
· Read enough relevant background and research literature to be able to propose an independent project. I have the technical skills to be able to do a project, but I am new to the field. Through the university, I have access to a great many journals, books, and as stated above, lectures. Even if my project is not selected or funded, getting to the point of being able to propose one is the real goal here.
· Make career contacts. I’m going to have to do some informational interviews. I’ve known what I wanted my career to be since I was 14, but I honestly haven’t sought out real people who are doing this work. I’ve mostly read about them. It’s time for that to change. I need to get as complete a picture as I can before committing myself to over $100k of debt.
· Classes. I changed my major a couple of times in college, and as a result some (er . . many) of my prerequisites fell through the cracks. I have to take these before I apply to grad school.
Health
· Transition into clean, organic eating. The documentary Food, Inc really jolted me into wanting to be much more conscious of the things I consume. I also know that I can’t do it overnight, so by the end of the year I want to be mostly if not completely organic and sustainable in my food (as well as other areas of life).
· Complete the Couch to 5K program. I started it sometime last spring, but never got past week 3. I never liked running or jogging, but I now realize that it was because I was always one of the slowest people in gym class and the teachers always blatantly favored the more naturally gifted students. I realized about two years ago that when I can go at my own pace, I really enjoy the act of running. There’s a connection I make with my body that is just sublime. This has to wait until it gets a bit warmer, though. I may like jogging now, but I hate cold much more, and the roads/sidewalks around here are basically iced over.
· Spend time outdoors hiking/trail walking. There are so many options here it’s crazy. I’ve already found some beginner trails and I’m totally excited for it.
· Lose 35 out of the total 50 pounds I want to lose. Notice how this is the last bullet point. I don’t want to do the top three things so I can lose weight. I want to lose weight so that I can do those things and more. I’ll have to do a separate post detailing my weight loss plan.
Money
· Streamline my banking accounts. I’ve already done most of this. I’m transitioning to using the credit union affiliated with my employer. I also am using Mint to sort of track everything in one place.
· Commit to saving at least $350 every month. That’s the bare minimum, but since my expenses are low and I’m not all that spendy, I’ll probably save more. I need to rebuild my emergency fund and then start saving for a fabulous trip somewhere warm in 2011.
Extracurricular
· This blog, of course! So far it’s been more of a personal diary, but I think I now want to reach out to the online community. To do so, I’ll have to have a bit more focus and spend a little more time crafting each post. I do look forward to doing it, though. Also, I’m toying with the idea of doing a vlog once in a while later in the year. I really think it’ll be fun.
· Volunteer. I have to find a clinic to volunteer in. I totally miss it.
· Write a short story or two. The only reason I haven’t done this yet is fear. Not skills or lack thereof. Just confidence. I can write a research paper (or blog post!) like no one’s business, but when it comes to fiction, there is a mental block so solid that it might as well be a physical one. I’m dismantling it once and for all this year. I am fully aware that my first story is most likely going to be just dreadful, but the great thing is that no one else has to see it! J
So that’s my to-do list for 2010. Looking at it all together like this, it seems like I’m heaping way too much onto my plate. However, a year is longer than it seems. Each of the items is more like a baby step in becoming a better Tazmaniantigress. I know from past experience that trying to do everything at once will only end in disaster, so I’m coming at this at a more measured pace. I’ll update periodically on my progress.
What are your goals for the upcoming year?
Why I Want to Lose Weight
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009I feel like I’ve been going about this with a ‘well OF COURSE I want to lose weight, who doesn’t?’ kind of attitude. That’s not at all the opinion I have, nor is it something I endorse. It is entirely possible to be completely, dizzyingly happy and overweight. The two are not mutually exclusive. I also never actually said exactly why I want to lose weight or my goals for the journey. Trust me when I say I have thought about this a lot. I’ve had to think about the reasons I’ve gained weight, and the consequences of losing it again.
Let me tell you my story:
I haven’t always been overweight. In fact, when I was really young, I think I was quite skinny. I had so much fun running around, riding bikes, and even just spinning around in circles in the front yard (oh the joy of being young, right?). As soon as I became conscious of my body and weight, I came to the conclusion that I was the big girl. This happened pretty early, but not as early as some, and for that I am lucky, I guess. Anyway, starting around 8 or so, I just thought of myself as a big girl, and kind of got on with life. Then puberty happened, all of a sudden, at 10 years old, things started changing. I felt fat for the very first time. I know that at this time I was not fat, and I am actually unsure where these thoughts came from. Though I was indeed bigger (taller) than the other kids, I was never taunted or made fun of for being big (the kids made fun of me for other things, but that is another story entirely). I didn’t really start to gain weight until middle school. School had always been tough for me socially, but middle school was just pure hell. I was in a different school for 6th, 7th, and 8th grades* and each one of them was the same. Same cliques, same types of people, and I didn’t fit in anywhere. So I spent most of that time in my room reading books. The food in my house was never very healthy, and so without running and playing off the calories, my weight totally ballooned. I don’t know how much I weighed then. I didn’t step on a scale until high school, when I weighed in at 185 lbs. That was sophomore year, and after that, I started going to the YMCA more or less regularly, when I had access to it. That summer, I ran on my school’s track every morning at 5:30 am sharp. I slowly lost weight, and by the end of high school, I was at 160ish. I continued to lose weight freshman year of college, almost by accident, and by summer 2006, I weighed 150 lbs, my lowest. That’s when trouble started.
OMG the attention! I don’t think of myself as a great beauty, but I like the way I look. I think I’m very pretty, but I had never experienced the volume of attention that I received. That fall, I got myself involved with two boys, not necessarily at the same time, but it might as well have been because both situations were very similar, e.g, they came over when they wanted to ‘hang out’ and then left, only texting me (not calling) when they wanted to ‘hang out’ again. I wish I can convey exactly what that did to my head, but I’m not even sure I’ve gotten to the bottom of it yet. I know that I no longer wanted anyone to even look at me sexually again. I started by just wearing my old sweatshirt and unflattering clothes again, and eventually the weight came back on. This time, I had the stress of school not being super easy anymore, and the weight came on faster. It peaked at 210 in July 2008.
So that’s my story. It’s not earth-shattering or even particularly unique, but it is mine. Now that I am over 200 pounds, and now that I am out of school, I feel like it is time to get the weight off, and get it off for good.
The reason I want to lose, however, is not so that men will give me attention again. If I wanted to wear pretty clothes and date men, I don’t have to lose weigh to do that. I was still being hit on at 210. Being this much overweight inhibits me in the areas that matter to me. I want to hike mountains, explore the world, and dance the night away. As it is now, I am tired most of the time, my knees hurt, and the thought of travelling anywhere makes me want a nap.
That’s why I want to lose weight. I think these reasons are sustainable and I think I’m in the right place to do it. To do it right this time.
My goal weight is 152, that’s right in the middle of the normal range. Maybe lower if I become an athlete or want to compete on ANTM
. I’m not going to rush this, I fully expect this to take me upwards of a year to lose it all. I’m giving myself 18 months.
Dreams
Saturday, November 21st, 2009The final day of Fun Facts and Quotes week has come. Today I have one of each for you, on dreams.
Firstly, a person spends up to three hours per night in dreams. Most of the content of the dreams are forgotten soon after waking though.
I can totally relate to this! Ever since I can remember dreaming, I have had extremely vivid dreams. In fact, a few days ago, I dreamt that I had overdrawn my bank account. I remembered it so vividly, that I was in a panic and ran to check my bank balance, becoming confused upon learning that I did indeed have money in the account. Sometimes after a particularly vivid dream, I am left with a certain feeling for the entire day, be it good or not so good. I dream about music sometimes, so much so that I have even written songs, melodies that I hum to myself in the morning as I am getting ready. (note: I have no musical training whatsoever) Rarely do I dream about people I actually know. It’s as if I am truly entering a new dimension when I fall asleep.
All in all, I rather enjoy my personal dreamworld. It’s exciting, always changing, and will undoubtedly provide material and characters for whatever novel I end up writing in the future.
Now a quote about making dreams come true:
Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. ~ Harriet Tubman
I have always had goals, plans, dreams. It’s just how I am wired. I must have something to work toward, to look forward to. For most of my life, I have never doubted that I would not make those things happen. Sometime a couple of years ago, I began to doubt. I more or less had a personal crisis, because if I do not succeed, I have no idea what else I could do. I have no room for backup plans. Well that’s not entirely true. I have backup plans in case a certain path to my goal is blocked or otherwise not the right one, but that’s a given, you’re supposed to have backup plans for that. I have no backup plan for my ultimate goal, no safety net, because I can not do anything else. It’s that simple, yet complicated. Anyway, I doubted myself something fierce, to the point of actually thinking about other life options. And there were none. When I realized that: THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS, it was like something smacked me upside the head. I had to make it happen, and only I had the power to do so.
No one else can make your dreams happen for you.
