Another Interesting Week and its Conclusions
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010So life has been hectic-crazy for yet another week. I’m slowly coming to an equilibrium with my new schedule.
I’ve finally made some decisions about what direction I’m going to take my life. Instead of taking on a Master’s level or Post-bac program, I’m going to start taking classes one and two at a time to fulfill my prerequisites before moving on to graduate school. This is definitely the best thing for me since I do technically have two full time jobs at the moment. I shall be ready to apply in the fall of 2012, but I may want to wait until 2013 to apply because I am learning so much from the lab I’m in now. To be honest, this has been the plan all along, I don’t really know why I let myself get into some identity-life crisis.
In other news, check this out:
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Ignoring the dust on the scale, notice it says 193.0! Woooot. I’ve definitely been making progress. Much of this is from just being up and around in my new job. It’s definitely not a sit down at a computer or lab bench type of job. Even though I’ve had some slipups with the eating, I’ve been more or less on track with that.
When I saw that number on the scale, I had an interesting thought. It was: “I am just 3 pounds away from being in the 180s, and when I reach low 180s and 170s, I’ll feel attractive again.”
I had to think about that for some time, but it makes so much sense. I haven’t felt pretty, or attractive, or anything of the sort since July 2008 when my scale read 200 pounds for the first time. Many things I did and did not do senior year are so clear to me now. I took extra hours at work, did homework, threw myself into my projects because I didn’t want to be ‘out’ where people could see me. Granted, I did have a couple other problems, but this was a huge part of my disappearing act.
The thing is, this isn’t something I thought I believed. I know that beautiful women come in every size. Some of the most radiant, stunning people I’ve seen have been larger than I was. Also, I’m pretty sure objectively, I was quite lovely as well. Or at least, I could have been. Instead I went back to baggy clothes and non contact.
There is so much to grapple with here, I’m still wrestling with some of this. However, I’ve decided to stop waiting. I can be and feel attractive and self confident NOW. I make an effort. I wear makeup more often (than never 
) I’m trying to do cool things with my hair, but that’s kind of limited right now because of the length. Baggy sweatshirts are only for when I’m cold.
Life is good and getting better.
Conclusions of the Week
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010. . . because you should try to learn something new every day.
- I realized this week that it just may be possible for me to get a Master’s degree for free! The university I work at has a program where employees can take a certain number of classes each semester without paying, as long as there are seats in the class. I need to investigate this further, but it is entirely possible that this time next year I will be a student once again.
- I am moving! Well, at least when my lease is up . . in OCTOBER! I’ve realized that my apartment is a little too big for me right now. And there are some things that just bother me about it. I lived in a tiny studio apartment my last year of college, and while that one was too small, I think another (bigger) studio would be perfect. There are some pretty large ones around here. I’m hoping to move closer to work. Maybe I can find someone to take over the lease in a couple months.
- Weigh in: I don’t weigh in at my TOM. I gain too much water bloat weight, and looking at the scale is a bit depressing. What I have learned, however, is that I don’t get generic cravings at this time. My body tells me “I want chocolate and peanut butter, preferably Reese’s peanut butter cups, but we’ll take whatever you’ve got.” I gave in this time, but next time, I will be prepared.
- While this week wasn’t as craptacular as last week, it certainly wasn’t perfect. I’m not down about it, though. I realize that I have to stay strong. I wasn’t as strong this week as I’d hoped. The stress about last week and the eh-ness of this week made me weak (ha ha). I didn’t eat as healthily as I liked, because I didn’t make it to the store. I totally bailed on cleaning, because all I could do when I got home was zone out or take a nap. Now that I’m aware of this, whenever I catch myself feeling so blah, I must take a few minutes to really examine why I feel that way and come up with solutions.
- On a happier note, I am now obsessed with stickers! I got some scrapbooking stickers and have peppered my planner with sticker upon sticker. I think they have the potential of being a useful productivity tool for me, but for now I’m just having fun sticking stickers to things.